Day 1: “Catapulting to Change”
Yesterday was the first day in the 30 Days to Yelling Less Project. In the email from The Orange Rhino she started by explaining that the first few days were more focused on preparation rather than to stop yelling. I needed to first dig deep and find out why it is so important to me that I stop yelling at my kids.
My action for the day was to think about the moment or moments that I realized I needed to stop yelling. That really pivotal horrible moment that was a smack in the face and I don’t like thinking about. She wanted me to make this my focus, my turning pint. This will be the moment(s) that will drive me forward in my goal to not yelling at my kids anymore.
Well I can’t say there was one pivotal moment exactly. It kind of just crept up on me. It started with just needing to raise my voice when I was scolding because my kids didn’t seem to listen until I was the loudest person in the room. (my kids are LOUD) Then, slowly, it became every time they miss behaved. It went from yelling to screaming very quickly. I think the big thing that started making me feel guilty was the look on my (almost) two year old’s face one day after I screamed so hard it hurt. Actually now that I am writing about this and thinking back, there was one big moment. I can’t tell you the date or the time, but I remember the moment now. My boys had just done something wrong and I was not feeling well and really tired. I completely blew up and yelled so loud that later that day, way after I had calmed down and the day was back to laughter and play, I lost my voice. I was completely ashamed of myself after it dawned on me that I had just screamed so much I couldn’t talk.
That’s when the guilt was so bad I’d lay awake and think about it and pray to God for forgiveness. And yes I asked my kids for forgiveness too. I felt like the worst mother in the world. How could I let myself get to that point? I do remember trying hard not to do that again and I haven’t lost my voice again but, like I said in my first post, after awhile I had kind of pushed the “stop yelling goal” to the back of my mind and was back to yelling again.
Now please know that I do not yell at my kids all day everyday. I am not abusive with my words or my actions. I love my kids and spend time with them and laugh and play and have good times. I can keep my cool through out the day for the most part. I just find myself yelling from time to time when they misbehave. It has been becoming much more frequent however, which is why I am challenging myself to change.
So there it is. My totally horrible moment where I was so ashamed of myself that I am now making this important decision in my life. It is probably the hardest thing I have had to do. Pulling that memory up was hard and brought up more horrible feelings of guilt and shame. But one thing about doing this challenge is knowing that I am not alone. I know that the woman behind The Orange Rhino went through the same thing. I am so glad that she had what it took to step up and share her pivotal moment with me and others. You can read about her moment HERE. I know that she has 2000 people subscribed to this 30 day challenge and we are all going through similar things and working toward the same goal. Who knew that so many were struggling with the same thing I was?
So what has day one taught me?
I once yelled so loud that I lost my voice. That is not ok. My kids deserve a mom that is going to treat them with the same respect I want them to treat others with. My kids deserve a mom who can keep her cool and discipline them in a way that will mold them into mature and loving adults. Yelling and screaming is not the way to do that. I want to change so that my kids will not grow up into yelling parents themselves. I love both of my boys so much and I want to be the mom that they deserve.
* This challenge was created by The Orange Rhino.
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