I know what you are thinking…”Where is days 6 and 7?” I feel I need to skip those only because there was nothing to report other than I yelled…a lot. I want start with today because I have made some very important connections that I think I already knew I just hadn’t openly admitted it to myself.
Day 8: Revelation
First off I must admit I am guilty of not fully participating in the challenge. The past two days I was trying not to yell but I neglected to read The Orange Rhino’s emails. I should have, but sometimes I ignore emails in general. Oops. I need to get in the habit of checking it often because I have joined a lot of things that send emails often.
Anyway, I read them all today including the email for day 8 (today). In these email’s she wanted us to “track our triggers”. She asked us to keep track of the things that caused us to yell. Then figure out why they are a trigger. What makes it the reason we yell? She urged us to dig deep. What may seem like one thing may be something more than just “I hate messes”. Well, I already knew my triggers. I’ve known them for a while so I could bring those up right away. But what did these triggers mean? Asking myself that question brought back some things from my past. I should give a little back story.
When I was a teenager I struggled with depression. I was suffocating in my problems and unresolved issues from my childhood. My mom “forced” me to see a counselor. I was reluctant at first, as most rebellious teenagers would be. I hated it. After realizing that she had chose the wrong counselor (we just didn’t click) my mom agreed to let me pick the counselor I would be willing to see. Once we found the right one all the pieces started fitting together. As I was talking and opening up I was healing and figuring things out about myself that I didn’t recognize as “symptoms” of depression. Once I was through with counseling some of my daily habits disappeared. I wasn’t washing my hands all the time, I could handle casual touch, and I didn’t have some of my obsessive compulsive tendencies. I was in control of myself again.
Recently some of these “symptoms” have been resurfacing. I have known for while that it was getting out of hand. I have even had some pretty bad anxiety attacks. I had one so bad a few weeks ago that I finally recognized that maybe I needed to go back to counseling. So I took the first step the other day and called a local Christian counseling office and hopefully will be able to start next week.
What does this have to do with my no yelling challenge? Well, in listing my triggers I realized that one of my major triggers is one of my “symptoms” that I thought was long gone. I’ve noticed little by little that it was bothering me again but I didn’t see that it was the root of my yelling until today. This is a serious breakthrough. No wonder I am having trouble with this challenge! Not that the other people doing this challenge are finding it to be a piece of cake. I know for a fact that a lot of them are having their own problems with not yelling. We all have a place to share our struggles on the Orange Rhino Private Community which has offered great support to me today. But I realized that the main reason for me not being able to stop yelling is that there is a deeper problem that needs to be addressed and worked on.
I can not do this by myself. I need help. And that is OK. Sometimes we need something more than just self determination and a goal. I know that I have some things I need to work out. I feel confidant that if I deal with these deeper issues, what ever they might be, I will have a better handle on life at home with my family.
So that’s my big revelation. It is scary that I had gone this long with out recognizing this. Looking back I see that it has been a problem for a while. Please know that this post was hard for me. It is extremely personal and I feel totally exposed. I just hope that someone who might have a similar issue will read this and know that they are not alone. That they are not a terrible person if they need professional help. Sometimes it is what is best, not only for ourselves, but for our family as well.