I had one of my dreams last night. I haven’t had one of these in a long time, maybe six months or more. I had almost forgotten about them.
For years I’ve been plagued with these awful dreams. What makes them truly awful is that, most of the time, in my dream it’s not awful. In my dream I am enjoying what I am doing even though in real life I would never do such things. I would never have those feelings. I would never act in that way. When I wake, one of two things happens.
1. I wake up feeling absolutely disgusted at what I just did. Even though it was “just a dream” I still feel dirty, like it was still something that I chose to do. I have feelings of guilt and shame and I dwell on them. Constantly repenting.
2. I wake up as if nothing bad had happened. As if the dream was real and ok. I still have lingering “good” feelings. Then, after a few minutes in reality, I realize what I’m thinking and feeling and remember my dream in vivid color and am sick to my stomach. Then, I not only feel dirty for having the dream, I feel shame for still feeling “good” after waking. Even though those are still not my real feelings. Again, the guilt and shame consume me and I repent over and over.
Today I woke up disgusted. This time, in my dream, I knew what I was doing was wrong but I was enticed…and I wanted to continue.
I hate these dreams. I hate having to focus so hard on forgetting them. I hate that they keep coming. They may not be frequent, but they don’t have to be. They continue to haunt me. They make me wonder why I dream these things. I know why, deep down. It is evil. The devil uses my slumber as a doorway in. I am constantly pushing him out during the day. Constantly fighting the things he tries to fill me head with…all lies. But when I’m sleeping, my defenses are down. I forget to pray over my sleep sometimes and when I do, he attacks.
I feel defeated.
But I am not. I know God is there.
I know the truth.
I cling to His truth for dear life.