Day 28 : The Truth is…

If it’s just going to be the same thing, if the struggle won’t go away, if I have to work 5 times as hard just to get through….what’s the point?

 

 

 

 

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“The truth is” – A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 27 : The Truth is…

 

 

 

 

 

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“The truth is” – A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 25 : The Truth is…

Sundays are always hard for me.

Sunday is the day I have to force myself to go to church, a place I used to feel so comfortable. Now my OCD has me so confused. It latches on to normal doubt and makes it feel so real. I have to fight the voices/thoughts and pretend everything is ok.

I am a fraud.

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“The truth is” – A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 20 : The Truth is… Once in a while – A #Poem

Once in a while

I feel the need to escape

I want crawl out of my skin

and become something else

roam the wild

see what there is to see

be something different

if only for a little while

a break from being me

 

© Caitlin Gramley

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This was written in response to two prompts: Quadrille #96: Wild Monday and Christine’s Daily Writing Prompt: Once

 

 

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“The truth is” –  A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

 

 

Day 19 : The Truth is…

Lately, “FRUSTRATED” has been the only adjective to describe my daily state-of-being…

 

 

 

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“The truth is” –  A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

 

Day 18 : The Truth is…

Today my middle child turned 8.

He is passionate, energetic, and an over-thinker.

To be completely honest, he is my most difficult child. I struggle some days to get through to him, to relate to him. We both have anxiety but our anxieties couldn’t be more different, So I have trouble understanding his insecurities even though I struggle too.

But I still love him, and will continue my journey as his mom.

Happy birthday, dear son. Mommy loves you.

 

 

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“The truth is” is a daily post where I share a truth. It could be  something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

 

Day 14 : The Truth is…

Sometimes my brain fog is so bad that I forget what I’m talking about mid-sentence…

 

 

 

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“The truth is” is a daily post where I share a truth. It could be  something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 11 : The Truth is…

Sometimes I get so caught up in the “what ifs” that it’s hard to be present in the here and now…

 

 

 

 

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“The truth is” is a new daily post where I share a truth. It could be  something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Where Has the Summer Gone??

It’s September 7th!

Summer is gone, my kids have started school, and pumpkin spice is threatening to take over the world. (Ahem… can I get apple pie or maple syrup flavored coffee please??)

I do not feel like I have accomplished anything I wanted to this summer. I look at my blog and see the last post was the end of June and I’m like “WHERE ARE ALL MY AWSOME POSTS I WROTE???” Oh, right. They were all written in my head and I never actually sat down and wrote them out.

It’s been a crazy  4 weeks for my family and I wish I had the time to blog through it. With my husband falling ill and struggling with full blown lyme disease I have had no extra me time to sit and write. (Although on a night he was feeling ok I escaped my house and joined a beginners hockey team for adults. Whhhhaaatt? High school dream of playing hockey achieved!!!!)

Honestly I have feet like a horrible wife because my depression, anxiety, and OCD gets in the way of me being a good caregiver. I promised to be there for him in sickness but I have gotten angry and impatient at times and can barely hold it together through this whole ordeal. But really, at the root of it all,  I truly hate seeing my husband so helpless and sick, unable to do the things he desperately loves to do. Some days it’s a struggle for him to hobble around the house. All he wishes he could do is go on a run or join kung fu with our boys. I’m watching him struggle with daily tasks and standing back as he pushes himself to go to work even though his hips hurt, his legs ache, and he can only hear out of one ear. And all I want to do it make him stay home and rest. He is an active person. He hates being still for long but after an 8 hour day at work all he can do is sit. (This past week has been better though, Praise the Lord! He has been able to walk short distances and had energy to do a few things around the house.)

All this to say that it’s been a struggle, that last month of summer really gave us hell. I feel like my family was sucker punched in the gut.

But we are still standing… sorta.

I Have OCD and I’m not Afraid of Germs

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

When most people hear the term OCD, a picture of hand washing or a well-organized room comes to mind. I don’t like telling people I have OCD because they automatically assume I’m afraid of germs and am a “clean freak”.

If you were to walk into my house without giving me a week’s notice I’m pretty sure you would be disgusted. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t let it get unsanitary but it’s definitely not company worthy. There are dirty pans on the stove and dishes in the sink always. I have “clean areas” but through out my house I have piles that gather in corners, and on end tables. I have hardwood floors and a cat and three kids so there is always crumbs or cat hair. I have piles of unfolded laundry and a computer desk with piles of opened mail and kids projects. And don’t even get me started on the status of my bathroom. I am not an organized person and I hate cleaning. Cleaning actually triggers anxiety and I have to work extra hard to motivate myself to do it.

My Obsessions and compulsions are currently mostly in my head.

So let’s brake it down a little for you.

Obsessive

Obsessions are unwanted thoughts or fears that you can’t get out of your head and cause anxiety. These thoughts or fears can be about anything.

My obsessions consist of fear of harming someone I love (harm OCD), and fear that my doubts have caused me to lose faith in God (scrupulosity).

Compulsive

Compulsions are something you feel compelled to do that alleviates the stress and anxiety caused by the obsession.

The most widely known compulsions are outward and noticeable. For example: straightening things to make them symmetrical, turning off a light switch many times, touching things, washing hands or sanitizing.

Inward compulsions are less noticeable because they take place in the mind. Sometimes a person may not even recognize these as compulsions because they can become second nature.

Currently my compulsions are mostly inward, although I have had many outward compulsions through out my 16 years of having OCD. Thankfully, through recent therapy (ERP therapy), I have been able to gain control in many areas of my life.

My biggest inward compulsion, which I am currently working on with my therapist, is avoidance. Avoidance is actually very common among OCD sufferers. I reduce my anxiety by not doing the things that cause my anxiety. This has hindered my growth as a wife, a mother, and as a christian.

Disorder

“A disorder is a problem or illness which affects someone’s mind or body”

OCD is not a quirk or character trait. It is not an adjective, it’s a mental illness.  It interferes with your daily life. It can make you lose time, make you miserable, and causes stress, anxiety, and depression.

You can’t be a little OCD. There is no such thing.

 

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*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a mental health professional. I write about OCD and mental illness based on personal experience and research online. If you think you may have OCD based on anything you’ve read, please seek professional help. You don’t have to go through it alone. You can overcome it and gain control of your life.

I am an #OCDvocate. I write articles and poetry about OCD to spread awareness. My goal is to help you understand that OCD is different for everyone and can manifest in many different ways. ” In the United States, about 1 in 40 adults and 1 in 100 children have OCD. And according to the World Health Organization, OCD is one of the top 20 causes of illness-related disability, worldwide, for individuals between 15 and 44 years of age.”

I have chosen to speak out and to be heard as part of my healing process.