“Tell us about times in which you linger — when you don’t want an event, or a day to end. What is it you love about these times? Why do you wish you could linger forever?”
Golden light peeks through the curtain and dances across a young women’s face. Feeling the warmth, she shifts in her bed. Pulling the blanket over her head, and dreading the moment her kids come in. It’s not that she’s sleepy, but that she is just not ready for the day. Not ready to get up and go through the motions.
When she hears the door creak she holds her breath, hopping her son will finally think to himself, “oh she’s sleeping. I should leave her alone.” But of course that doesn’t happen. Soon he is by her side and with a nice high-pitched voice says, “Mommy, I want to go downstairs!”
“Just a few more minutes. OK?”
“NO! I’m hungry and thirsty! I want to go down stairs!” , he whines.
“Mommy needs a few more minutes, please.”
He crawls up next to her and pulls on the blankets creating a cold breeze. She shivers and rolls over. Her son lays there quietly for about thirty seconds.
“Life is a series of beginnings and endings. We leave one job to start another; we quit cities, countries, or continents for a fresh start; we leave lovers and begin new relationships. What was the last thing you contemplated leaving? What were the pros and cons? Have you made up your mind? What will you choose?”
I now know that I was not meant to be a stay at home mom. At least not full time. I recently decided that I needed to leave my house and do something for me.
Having a job might not seem like a break to most but to me it means socialization and getting to talk to people older than 4!
Sometimes a mom needs to talk to someone who has a grasp on the real world for a change.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom and staying home was what was best for us in the beginning. But this momma needs a break. To get out of the house and feel like I’m contributing.
Yes raising children is a job on it’s own and is very important and I am not trying to make any stay at home mom feel unimportant.
Some people just aren’t cut out for the stay at home life. I am one of those people. I start to feel stifled if I’m doing the same things over and over. I get antsy and bored and need a change.
Thus the search for a part time job began.
After two weeks of handing in countless applications I walked into the last place on my list handed in the application and unknowingly handed it to the hiring manager. She took one look at it and said, “Can you come in next week for an interview”? Praise the Lord! It was like it was meant to be.
I had the interview yesterday and I start next week!
I am going to miss my kids at nights, but it really is what is best for us I think.
I am a procrastinator. There is no sense in denying it. It is who I am through and through.
When I was younger and my mother gave me chores I would always wait until my mom was screaming at me to “stop watching TV and do the dishes!” Of course that is probably pretty normal for kids. There is always something more interesting to do than washing dishes or folding laundry. Heck, I’m an adult with children of my own and I still wait till the last minute to do dishes.
I must confess I am even guilty of spending the day watching TV with my boys, surfing the web, reading and playing around and then I glance up at the clock and see that Running Man man will be home in a half hour. So I hurry into the kitchen and do a load of dishes so that the dish drainer is full and quickly sweep the floor or vacuum so it looks like I was productive.
I am actually guilty of that often.
When I was in school and we had a week to do a project I was always frantically doing it the night before, staying up late and worrying that I wouldn’t get it done. But I always did and usually got a decent grade. Same with tests. I usually studied the night before and sometimes that day in study hall right before the class. I’d usually get a good grade but because I would just cram I didn’t retain much of what I learned and I don’t really remember much of anything now.
Procrastination has always been a viscous cycle and always causes me grief and worry when I wait till the last minute. I always panic and freak out but then I finish it and realize “wow that wasn’t so bad. I wish I would have done it earlier!” But I never do. I could say I never learn but I do, I just don’t put it into practice. I know that if I do things in a timely manor I’d save myself a lot of stress but I just never seem to be able to.
My family has never been good at expressing their feelings to one another. Growing up I’m pretty sure my mom said I love you, I just can’t actually remember. But as my sister and I got older the I love yous got lost in teenage angst and, as far as I can remember, it was rarely said in our teenage years.
It was of course always implied. We knew we were loved but it just never got said out loud. I also never heard I’m proud of you or really any other verbal praises.
Then one day, after I moved out and got married, I started thinking about never seeing my mom again. Or my sister or my grandma. That thought terrified me. So much that it became an obsession. An irrational fear – if you will.
I remember this clearly although I can’t tell you the exact day. I decided that they needed to know that I love them. It was a very out-of-the-box thing for me to do but after visiting my mom, before I left, I turned and said “I love you mom”. I remember the look of shock on her face. She hesitated for a moment and then said it back.
The same thing happened when I said it too my sister. We were never close as kids and still aren’t “besties” now, although we are way closer than we ever were growing up. So saying it to her was way weird. But it was a good weird.
Now every time I see or talk to any of my family I always tell them I love them. Even some of my friends.
Part of me does it out of habit now, but it is a good habit to have. I never want them to have to guess how I feel. It’s still hard for us to express things to each other but at least in the end they know I love them.
I got engaged at a young age. Because of this I drifted from my best friend.
I didn’t go to college even though I got accepted.
I stayed in my small town that I swore I would get out of as soon as possible.
I didn’t pursue writing like I always wanted to do.
Looking at each choice and where I am now because of it, I don’t think I would change anything.
I drifted from my best friend. I got engaged when I was still in high school. While she was still going to concerts and hanging in her parent’s basement after we graduated I was getting an apartment, getting a full time job, and thinking about my future with my husband. We were in two different places. Our relationship became strained because our priorities had changed. Even though I miss her and miss the times we had we are now two completely different people. It was best for both of us that we grew apart and did our own thing.
My husband and I got accepted into a mission’s college about a year after we got married. We were so excited to go on adventures and help people. But we were doing it for the wrong reasons. I had recently lost a child and I think we were using school as a chance to run away from our grief. I am so glad we didn’t go because even though being a missionary is a great thing, if we weren’t really called to be missionaries we could have done more harm then good. God definitely intervened in this situation. He blessed me with another child and our window for attending the school had closed. If we would have gone I wouldn’t have my wonderful Spunky Boy.
In high school my biggest dream was leaving this small town. As a teenager this town was boring, small, and in my eyes nothing happened here. I thought that I couldn’t amount to anything if I stayed. But if I would have left I would not have the great support system I have. Both mine and my husband’s families have been great with our kids by offering baby sitting and support when we needed it. If we had moved I never would have met one of my best friends. And even though she ended up moving 12 hours away we are still as close as ever. If we would have moved I would not have been able to care for my mother when she was diagnosed with cancer. If we had moved I would not be apart of my wonderful church family. So many things would be different.
I never pursued my writing but if I was being really honest with myself, looking at the things I wrote, I wasn’t that good. Now by pursuing it I might have improved and become great. Who knows? I lost my passion for writing sometime after high school and I am just now wanting to get back into it. Maybe I wasn’t meant to write at that time. Maybe the time is now. Who knows?
So in conclusion, I may not have done things as once planned. But I have a wonderful husband, two amazing children, great friends, family that live close, and a great church. I live in this great small town that I appreciate now that I am an adult. There is a great sense of community, fun festivals, and great small businesses to support. I am pleased with the way my life turned out. Yes I may have liked my life that “would have been” had I made different decisions, but I will never know so why dwell on it?
*This post is in response to The Daily Post Daily Writing Prompt: I Did it My Way.*