Day 43 : The Truth is…

I’m drowning….

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“The truth is” – An (almost) daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.
Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 42 : The Truth is…

No matter the strides I make to be well, eating right, exercise, self care, church, etc. I still have this looming darkness hovering in the distance just biding it’s time until it can take over again.

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“The truth is” – An (almost) daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.
Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 40 : The Truth is…

OCD tells me I’m a fraud, depression believes him, and anxiety worries that people will discover I’m a fraud and hate me.

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“The truth is” – An (almost) daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 37 : The Truth is…

I want to be a social person, so I make plans but then immediately regret it.

 

I just recently locked myself in to a two day social event in April….so now I have a month and a half to worry and fret and regret. Why do I do this myself?

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“The truth is” – An (almost) daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 35 : The Truth is…

Coffee dates with friends are good for the soul!

 

 

 

After not seeing my church friends for a month due to all the sickness being passed around by my kids, I manged to get out with a couple of them for coffee. I forgot how much I need that interaction. How seeing them and catching up is the perfect break. Refreshing.

 

 

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“The truth is” – An (almost) daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

 

Sunday

Rest

that’s what they say

a day set aside

BAM. BAM. BAM.

If only the thoughts would stop their fire

I shift my weight

I smile

I look forward

BAM. BAM. BAM.

Eyes closed.

Breathe.

I stand

I sing

I sit

I listen

BAM. BAM. BAM.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

I…

BAM. BAM. BAM.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

Breathe.

I stand

I sing

I smile

I leave

 

 

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This is in response to the Tuesday prompt over at dVerse.

 

 

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This is another #OCDPoem, a glimpse inside my brain on a typical Sunday.

 

 

 

 

 

Day 28 : The Truth is…

If it’s just going to be the same thing, if the struggle won’t go away, if I have to work 5 times as hard just to get through….what’s the point?

 

 

 

 

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“The truth is” – A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 25 : The Truth is…

Sundays are always hard for me.

Sunday is the day I have to force myself to go to church, a place I used to feel so comfortable. Now my OCD has me so confused. It latches on to normal doubt and makes it feel so real. I have to fight the voices/thoughts and pretend everything is ok.

I am a fraud.

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“The truth is” – A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 7 : The Truth is…

I doubt what I believe in every day… and that scares me…

 

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“The truth is” is a new daily post where I share a truth. It could be  something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Mental Health Monday – Scrupulosity

I had read on a few blogs online from other OCD sufferers that OCD can effect one’s faith. I did not , however, know that there was a term for it or that it was it’s own condition.

Scrupulosity : “A form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) involving religious or moral obsessions. Scrupulous individuals are overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or other violation of religious or moral doctrine.” –IOCDF

When I went to my first therapy appointment recently, she asked me when I started to notice my depression coming back. I thought for awhile and said it was a year ago, when I started to doubt my faith. She asked me to explain my doubts and fears about it. As the session went on, I explained my OCD thoughts and compulsions, not realizing that the religious stuff was at all linked to my OCD.

After a while she finally stopped writing notes, looked up, and said that I definitely have OCD with emphasis on scrupulosity. After she explained that OCD is sometimes called the doubting disorder and that it lies and attacks everything we love and everything we are, it all started to make sense.

My whole life has been about God. I grew up in church, I became a christian at age 5, I was active in youth group and strong in my faith as a teenager. My whole relationship with my husband was based on our faith together and before started dating  we spent a month in prayer and seeking God’s will for our lives. If He didn’t exist, if my whole life was based on one big lie, then what does that leave me with? Does that mean my choices were all wrong? What purpose does life have? I was completely lost and alone and I felt like I could tell no one. No wonder depression had taken over my life.

Practicing my faith became very hard over the past year. I doubted everything I thought and everything I heard about God. I started tuning out the pastor’s sermons because with everything he said there was this little voice that would contradict and pick and cause doubt.

If I tried to pray, I was convinced God wouldn’t hear me because I doubted. I didn’t read the bible because I could no longer accept anything it said.

I was in the praise band and every time I played I would be berating myself inside.

“How can you be leading worship when you’re not even sure you believe what you are singing? All these people look at you and hold you to this standard that you are failing to meet. They think you are this great christian woman. You are a fraud.”

After a while I couldn’t do it anymore so I pulled myself out of praise band. I was letting everyone down and they had no idea why.

But now that I know there’s a reason for this doubt, that this is not me but my OCD, I can start to fight back.

I will be starting ERP soon. It is going to be a slow process. My therapist said it might be a while before we can address my faith based obsessions because they are huge and we need to start very small. But it gives me hope that I will one day be able to have a relationship with God again.

For now, I am going to take a small step on my own. After being out of the band for a while and not being able to play christian music, I am going to try to play a song for the Christmas season. I can’t promise I’ll succeed, but I am going to try and push through even when OCD is screaming in my head. I am not going to let OCD ruin who I am.

I know God is real. I know he sees my heart through all the doubt in my mind.

OCD lies. That is the truth that will keep me pushing forward.