New About Page

I have a new about page! (View it here)

I figured that since the purpose of this blog has changed it was about time to update my information. I am not longer anonymous. Gasp! That’s right, I reveal my name and my age…well ok just the range of my age. Age doesn’t really matter anyway. So please go take a look at it and get to know me a little better. I feel that if you know a little more about someone it can help  you better understand  where their writing comes from and what fuels it. Thanks so much to all those who follow my blog. I appreciate each and every one of you!

 

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You’re not busy right?

Why is it that when I’m in the kitchen no one needs anything, but the second my butt hits the chair, ready to delve into my breakfast, I hear:

“Mom, may I please have some juice?”

“Why didn’t you ask me when I was in the kitchen?”

*Shrug*

OY!   *face palm*

 

Stronger

 

This song was on the radio this morning. I’ve heard it many times before but never really listened to it. Mandisa really isn’t my style of music, but today, right now, it applies to my life. I wanted to post it because I know that I am not the only one going through something today.

If you are struggling today, know that you are not alone. God is with you. You, yes you who is reading this right now, God loves you. He wants you to seek him, trust him, lean on him.

I know how hard it can be to just get up in the morning. It seems hopeless. But It will get better. Trust in Him who made you, knows you, loves you.

 

Dear Lord, please bless all those who read this post today. You know what they are going through. You know their struggles. Please wrap your loving arms around them. Let them know that you are there waiting for them to reach out to You. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

 

 

Lies Under The Carpet

The images didn’t reflect in your eyes.
Your face was completely innocent,
and so was your voice.
I never saw it coming.
I guess I forgot how much of a struggle it was.
It never left?
How could I have been so naive?
Now, no matter what you say,
“It’s not your fault”
I can’t help but see my short-comings that could have led you down that path again.
I’m so sorry if my neglect has caused this.
Sometimes I lose my head,
but I guess the trust we once had  is gone…
Not like the lies swept under the carpet.
I trusted you…was I wrong too?
It baffles me how this could have gone on for so long.
It never even crossed my mind.

4 Secrets

One of the bloggers I follow, Jackie Lea Sommers, shared some secrets with her readers yesterday in her post 5 Secrets. At the end, she asked her readers to share their secrets. I decided to write a response post.

4 Secrets

1. I write this blog anonymously because I fear rejection. I feel like if everyone around me knew the things about me that I post on here they will treat me differently. I have only shared this blog openly with maybe less than 10 people. Even the knowledge that these people may read it sends me into little panic episodes.

2. I can not accept a compliment. This is not a secret to those who know me well, but my readers don’t know that…now you do. I think this started around the time my OCD started showing itself…when I was 13 or so. (Although I didn’t know, at the time, that the things I thought and felt were due to a mental illness. I discovered that only a year ago.)

3. I apologize for everything. I just learned, recently, that  constantly apologizing can be a symptom of OCD. Very interesting. I used to get yelled at all the time for apologizing for things that weren’t my fault or beyond my control when I was a teenager.

4. I think I may want another baby. This secret is something I am just coming to admit to myself. I was sure I was done. Having my own babies anyway. I still long to adopt one day but I know that process will take so long and it could be years before I would get to welcome a child into our home.  So a big part of me would be ok, I think, if I got pregnant. But I’m still not at that point where I am ready to say to my husband, “ok. Let’s try!” But the desire to have a little girl is growing every day.

Now it’s your turn.

Tuesday Ramblings: Reconnecting

I gave up Facebook for a week.

In my post Disconnect to Reconnect, I explained that I was giving up Facebook for one week as a way to disconnect from what was becoming had become an obsession in my life.

Facebook had become a part of my identity and that was not ok. It was taking me away from God and I was counting other’s opinions greater than His. I felt like he wanted me to take a break. I needed a real connection with people. I needed a better connection with God.

So how did my week go?

I  am glad you asked…oh, you didn’t? Well, let me tell you anyway.

I am going to be honest here and say that it was not easy for me. I was so used to sharing everything with everyone, so to suddenly have to stop doing that I had to catch myself before reaching for my phone to post anything.  It took about three days before I no longer pulled my phone out to check Facebook. I even once accidentally opened Facebook up.  The sad thing is that I was going on my phone to search something on google but my “muscle memory”, if you will, automatically went to the bookmark on my browser and BAM there it was starting at me with the hypnotic red notification symbol begging me to click on it and see what was going on in the “world“. I got out immediately and deleted the bookmark so it wouldn’t happen again.

I struggled a bit with the feeling of loneliness. I liked sharing about my day or my random thoughts and knowing that others were reading it and being a part of my life. So when I had a cool thought or witty comment or even an accomplishment, it was almost heartbreaking that I had to keep it to myself. No one could share it with me. And when you spend most of your day at home with a 2-year-old it get’s lonely often.

My main goal was to give up this thing that was taking up my time and devote some of that time to God.

That did not happen. Truthfully, I busied myself with other things. Satin took advantage of that. Last week was full of spiritual attacks. From thoughts of doubt, to self-hatred. Even temptation, putting things in my mind that shouldn’t be there. He has been pushing against me a lot these past few months especially since I have been taking steps in the direction I know God wants me to go. This week, he worked overtime it seems. I got so tired of walking against this strong current that I just let it take me for a bit. I am angry at myself for not pushing forward. But what’s done is done. I need to pick up and keep going. God gave me certain talents and dreams and I intend to follow through.

God still used this week for good though. By disconnecting I was able to reconnect with a friend. She lives literally two blocks from me. We go to the same church and see each other most Sundays. But we hardly ever talk. Between her schedule (she travels a lot for her job) and mine we never saw each other  except on the Sunday mornings she could make it to church. We did how ever “connect” through Facebook. She posted all the time and I would like and comment as would she on my statuses. But that was the extent of our friendship.

When I posted my last status letting everyone know that I was giving up Facebook for a while, she texted me and asked to meet up for coffee. So we got together and talked for about 2 hours (with many interruptions from my 2-year-old). There was so much we were missing in each other’s lives by just seeing the highlights on Facebook. I had no idea how much she had been struggling in her marriage and in her relationship with God. I was heart broken that I let that slip past me. She also had no idea of the things I had been going through and how much I was struggling spiritually as well. It was a very good talk. We were able to get everything out. (I even cried a little.)

After that day we have continued to text and pray for each other. When she hears a song that makes her think of what we are going through she sends it to me. [It truly amazes me how much God is using music in my life, even in my relationships. It is such a great way to communicate!] We have also taken steps to start some new small group studies in church dealing with some issues that have been troubling not just us, but many others in our congregation. Things like spiritual warfare.

I didn’t think that this challenge was going to be easy, and it hasn’t been. But I made it one week with out Facebook. Bad things did happen but God is a Gracious God and good is coming out of that week.

What are my goals now?

I am back on Facebook but I am trying not to check it as often. I am also not posting everything that pops into my head. I stop and think about what I want to post. Also, the desire to post everything has left. I will continue to seek God’s help as to not let it rule my life again.

 

 

Tired

I am tired.

I am tired of fighting against the current.

I am tired of trying.

It seems like I get on the right path and everything around me is against me.

Things go wrong.

Things get canceled.

I get sick.

Stupid, pointless arguments happen.

I feel this heavy darkness creeping around me.

I am so sick of it.

It has gotten to the point that I just don’t have the strength to move forward anymore.

Thoughts of just giving in dance in my head.

But If I do, if I give satin the satisfaction, I feel awful.

And if I don’t give in…if I keep going, I get nothing but resistance.

Nothing seems to give.

It’s one blatant attack after another.

I can’t keep on going like this.

I just can’t.

 

Tuesday Ramblings

It has been one day since I gave up Facebook.

Do you know how many times I have reached into my pocket, took out my phone, and almost brought up Facebook?

To many to count.

Once thing I have learned is I have the urge to share some pretty random things that, before Facebook even existed, I would have never thought to share.

Why do people need to know that I’m eating my 3rd bowl of chicken soup?

My cat was in a crazy position yesterday. I took out my phone to take a picture and remembered that I can’t share it on Facebook so I didn’t take the picture…why?

I told Running Man that and he looked at me perplexed and said ” Why? You take the picture for you not for anyone else.”

It is completely crazy that we weigh everything we do by what other people might think about it.

The value of a statement or picture is determined by how many “likes” it gets.

How insane is that?

I know I am not the only one who does this.

I am going crazy because if I don’t share my day with people I feel alone.

To be completely honest, I haven’t used my extra time to read the bible or spend time with God.

He craves time with us. He wants to be the one we tell things to. He wants to share in our musings.

But my first instinct is to pull out my phone and tell anyone else who will listen.

Why is that?

Disconnect to Reconnect

I am Giving up Facebook.

OK, not forever. I realize that that first sentence may have caused some uneasiness for many of you. The thought of not being able to see what everyone’s doing or not posting my every move or thought caused me some discomfort as well. In fact I down right refused the possibility when it first crossed my mind. But, after a while, I realized that the “thought” wasn’t mine. It was God. He has been working on me in so many ways these past few months. He has revealed to me recently that one of the reasons I struggle with my relationship with Him is because I don’t spend enough time with Him.

I am also not spending enough time with my kids. I am spending too much time online. Facebook is a huge part of that time. It has gotten so bad that I check it literally every 2-5 minutes. Having it right at my fingertips, being able to carry it around with me, has caused it to be a part of me. I have become obsessed with seeing who liked my recent random thought. I even started wanting certain people to like it more than others. I have fooled myself into thinking that I have real relationships with people because I know what they are doing and keep up with the latest pictures of their kids.

But I never actually talk to these people.

I never physically see these people.

I am ignoring the people in my own house for a false feeling of connection.

I have been fighting it, and God just brings it back to my mind. So, after a lot of thought, I have decided to give it up for one week starting this morning.  I am not allowing myself on it at all. It is essential to my relationship with God, my relationship with  my family, and to my own mental health.

I am disconnecting to reconnect with the real world.

Birthday Thoughts

Today is my Birthday

I am one year older…not sure about wiser, although I have learned a lot this last year of my life.

A lot has happened this past year.

Let’s recap a little.

The Good

My youngest son turned TWO!

My oldest son turned FIVE!

I created this blog.

In creating this blog I unlocked some of the creative juices that have been sitting stagnant in my head for years.

I picked up an old guitar and finally committed to learning how to play.

I found out that I LOVE playing guitar! (even though I get frustrated often.)

I got a NEW guitar.

Meet Alvy. He is pretty awesome.

Meet Alvy. He is pretty awesome.

 

I got a new job.

By getting said job I gained a new friend.

I joined a mommy prayer group.

By joining said group I gained several friends.

Today, for my birthday, I got a cat! Her name is Katara. My husband’s little surprise for me. 🙂 And now I am not the only girl in the house! 🙂

Katara. The cutest present ever!

Katara. The cutest present ever!

 

I’m sure there are a lot of other great things but these are that main ones that stick out.

The not so Good (But everything turned out ok)

Right before my last birthday my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

She had surgery in October.

She had intense Chemo treatments In November and December.

During those treatments I spent those weeks away from my family to be with her in the hospital.

Those were the hardest two weeks for me.

After her second treatment she ended up in the hospital for 13 days because she had some bad reactions to chemo and wasn’t able to eat for ten of those days.

It was awful.

After that she had one more less invasive treatment of chemo.

She has since recovered, is growing her hair back, and is back to work. She is still not back to 100%, but doing much better.

Because of this, my faith in God grew stronger as I clung to Him to get her well again and to get my family through it.

Also during this year I finally addressed some of my own health issues that I was putting off because of needing to be there for my mother.

I have been treating my issues with change in diet and homeopathy.

I have been on a strict diet for five months.

This last month I have been feeling so much better! I finally feel like I’m making progress.

In February I was diagnosed with OCD.

Since being treated for my health issues and changing my diet, my OCD has calmed down and is becoming manageable.

 

All in all, despite some of the set backs, it was an ok year. I am glad to be here, I am feeling better than last year, and I am starting to feel happy again.

 

Here’s to hoping this year will be a great one!