Hidden Surprises

To celebrate my 100th post on this blog here is a 100 word story which also happens to be my Warmup Wednesday! entry. That worked out nicely. ūüėČ

Hidden Surprises

Chili sauce. CC3.0 by SA photo by MKAT.

Chili sauce. CC3.0 by SA photo by MKAT.

I try to act like I know nothing as my girls giggle at each other at the table. They’ve hidden corn in my mashed potatoes again. Last time they did that I almost threw up. I take a bite, careful to miss the corn.

“Eeeew!” I say, pretend disgust written on my face. The girls burst out laughing.

“Gotchya Mom!”

“You sure did,” I say, a sly grin stretching across my lips as they both take giant bites of their potatoes. Their brown beauties widen in surprise, tongues extend out with an exasperated grunt. They reach for their water.

“Gotchya!”

 

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Did you see that I have a Facebook page now? Head on over (HERE) and show me some love by clicking “like”. Thanks. ūüôā

Poem by a Five Year Old

This poem was written by my five year old son for Mother’s Day. It was just so precious I had to share.

 

Oh mommy, Oh mommy,
I love you so much.
I will kiss you and love you
All day and night

Oh mommy, Oh mommy,
I like you to tuck me in bed
Oh mommy, Oh mommy,
I love you all day.

 

 

Check it Out!

Hey guys! I am excited to announce that one of my stories was published on The Drabble! Be sure to check it out, then take a look around their blog and read some other great stories.

This is the first time my work will appear elsewhere online. Super exciting!

New About Page

I have a new about page! (View it here)

I figured that since the purpose of this blog has changed it was about time to update my information. I am not longer anonymous. Gasp! That’s right, I reveal my name and my age…well ok just the range of my age. Age doesn’t really matter anyway. So please go take a look at it and get to know me a little better. I feel that if you know a little more about someone it can help¬† you better understand¬† where their writing comes from and what fuels it. Thanks so much to all those who follow my blog. I appreciate each and every one of you!

 

Stronger

 

This song was on the radio this morning. I’ve heard it many times before but never really listened to it. Mandisa really isn’t my style of music, but today, right now, it applies to my life. I wanted to post it because I know that I am not the only one going through something today.

If you are struggling today, know that you are not alone. God is with you. You, yes you who is reading this right now, God loves you. He wants you to seek him, trust him, lean on him.

I know how hard it can be to just get up in the morning. It seems hopeless. But It will get better. Trust in Him who made you, knows you, loves you.

 

Dear Lord, please bless all those who read this post today. You know what they are going through. You know their struggles. Please wrap your loving arms around them. Let them know that you are there waiting for them to reach out to You. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

 

 

Lies Under The Carpet

The images didn’t reflect in your eyes.
Your face was completely innocent,
and so was your voice.
I never saw it coming.
I guess I forgot how much of a struggle it was.
It never left?
How could I have been so naive?
Now, no matter what you say,
“It’s not your fault”
I can’t help but see my short-comings that could have led you down that path again.
I’m so sorry if my neglect has caused this.
Sometimes I lose my head,
but I guess the trust we once had¬† is gone…
Not like the lies swept under the carpet.
I trusted you…was I wrong too?
It baffles me how this could have gone on for so long.
It never even crossed my mind.

4 Secrets

One of the bloggers I follow, Jackie Lea Sommers, shared some secrets with her readers yesterday in her post 5 Secrets. At the end, she asked her readers to share their secrets. I decided to write a response post.

4 Secrets

1. I write this blog anonymously because I fear rejection. I feel like if everyone around me knew the things about me that I post on here they will treat me differently. I have only shared this blog openly with maybe less than 10 people. Even the knowledge that these people may read it sends me into little panic episodes.

2. I can not accept a compliment. This is not a secret to those who know me well, but my readers don’t know that…now you do. I think this started around the time my OCD started showing itself…when I was 13 or so. (Although I didn’t know, at the time, that the things I¬†thought and felt¬†were due to a mental illness. I discovered that only a year ago.)

3. I apologize for everything. I just learned, recently, that¬† constantly apologizing can be a symptom of OCD. Very interesting. I used to get yelled at all the time for apologizing for things that weren’t my fault or beyond my control when I was a teenager.

4. I think I may want another baby. This secret is something I am just coming to admit to myself. I was sure I was done. Having my own babies anyway. I still long to adopt one day but I know that process will take so long and it could be years before I would get to welcome a child into our home.¬† So a big part of me would be ok, I think, if I got pregnant. But I’m still not at that point where I am ready to say to my husband, “ok. Let’s try!” But the desire to have a little girl is growing every day.

Now it’s your turn.

Tuesday Ramblings: Reconnecting

I gave up Facebook for a week.

In my post Disconnect to Reconnect, I explained that I was giving up Facebook for one week as a way to disconnect from what was becoming had become an obsession in my life.

Facebook had become a part of my identity and that was not ok. It was taking me away from God and I was¬†counting other’s opinions greater than His. I felt like he wanted me to take a break. I needed a real connection with people. I needed a better connection with God.

So how did my week go?

I¬† am glad you asked…oh, you didn’t? Well, let me tell you anyway.

I am going to be honest here and say that it was not easy for me. I was so used to sharing everything with everyone, so to suddenly have to stop doing¬†that I had to catch myself before reaching for my phone to post anything.¬† It took about three days before I no longer pulled my phone out to check Facebook. I even once accidentally opened Facebook up.¬† The sad thing is that I was going on my phone to search something on google but my “muscle memory”, if you will, automatically went to the bookmark on my browser and BAM there it was starting at me with the hypnotic red notification symbol begging me to click on¬†it and see what was going on in the “world“. I got out immediately and deleted the bookmark so it wouldn’t happen again.

I struggled a bit with the feeling of loneliness. I liked sharing about my day or my random thoughts and knowing that others were reading it and being a part of my life. So when I had a cool thought or witty comment or even an accomplishment, it was almost heartbreaking that I had to keep it to myself. No one could share it with me. And when you spend most of your day at home with a 2-year-old it get’s lonely often.

My main goal was to give up this thing that was taking up my time and devote some of that time to God.

That did not happen. Truthfully, I busied myself with other things. Satin took advantage of that.¬†Last week was full of spiritual attacks. From thoughts of doubt, to self-hatred. Even temptation, putting things in my mind that shouldn’t be there. He has been pushing against me a lot these past few months especially since I have been taking steps in the direction I know God wants me to go. This week, he worked overtime it seems. I got so tired of walking against this strong current that I just let it take me for a bit. I am angry at myself for not pushing forward. But what’s done is done. I need to pick up and keep going. God gave me certain talents and dreams and I intend to follow through.

God still used this week for good though. By disconnecting I was able to reconnect with a friend. She lives literally two blocks from me. We go to the same church and see each other most Sundays. But we hardly ever talk. Between her schedule (she travels a lot for her job) and mine we never saw each other¬† except on the Sunday mornings she could make it to church. We did how ever “connect” through Facebook. She posted all the time and I would like and comment as would she¬†on my statuses. But that was the extent of our friendship.

When I posted my last status letting everyone know that I was giving up Facebook for a while, she texted me and asked to meet up for coffee. So we got together and talked for about 2 hours (with many interruptions from my 2-year-old). There was so much we were missing in each other’s lives by just seeing the highlights on Facebook. I had no idea how much she had been struggling in her marriage and in her relationship with God. I was heart broken that I let that slip past me. She also had no idea of the things I had been going through and how much I was struggling spiritually as well. It was a very good talk. We were able to get everything out. (I even cried a little.)

After that day we have continued to text and pray for each other. When she hears a song that makes her think of what we are going through she sends it to me. [It truly amazes me how much God is using music in my life, even in my relationships. It is such a great way to communicate!] We have also taken steps to start some new small group studies in church dealing with some issues that have been troubling not just us, but many others in our congregation. Things like spiritual warfare.

I didn’t think that this challenge was going to be easy, and it hasn’t been. But I made it¬†one week with out Facebook. Bad things did happen but God is a Gracious God and good is coming out of that week.

What are my goals now?

I am back on Facebook but I am trying not to check it as often. I am also not posting everything that pops into my head. I stop and think about what I want to post. Also, the desire to post everything has left. I will continue to seek God’s help as to not let it rule my life again.

 

 

Tired

I am tired.

I am tired of fighting against the current.

I am tired of trying.

It seems like I get on the right path and everything around me is against me.

Things go wrong.

Things get canceled.

I get sick.

Stupid, pointless arguments happen.

I feel this heavy darkness creeping around me.

I am so sick of it.

It has gotten to the point that I just don’t have the strength to move forward anymore.

Thoughts of just giving in dance in my head.

But If I do, if I give satin the satisfaction, I feel awful.

And if I don’t give in…if I keep going, I get nothing but resistance.

Nothing seems to give.

It’s one blatant attack after another.

I can’t keep on going like this.

I just can’t.