Hidden Torment

Skeletal-tree-Web

Skeletal-tree-Web by Fay Collins

One thought, not necessarily significant, is placed upon her mind. Anyone else would shake their head at the silly thing and move on, but she is unable to. Seeded, it starts to grow, slowly at first, a single grey tendril. It brings with it a second thought, then a third. Each one produces another, inducing fear and worry. Soon, its gnarled fingers have taken over, invading every peaceful moment. Questions and doubts, her only companions.

the naked tree sways

roots take hold beneath the ground –

no one sees how far

 

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This Haibun is in response to two prompts.

Tuesday Poetics – Fay Collins: Sarah challenged us to write a poem inspired by Fay Collins Artwork.

Carpe Diem #1413 Loneliness (Haibun in the classical way): “Loneliness … what does it mean for you. Do you choose loneliness sometimes, to find new inspiration and new energy? Loneliness … a strong emotion with a strong task today, because I love to challenge you to create a classical haibun. In other words, the haiku (or tanka) have to be written in the classical way. (More about this classical way of haiku-ing you can find  in Carpe Diem Lecture 1) Your haibun may have a maximum of 300 words.”

Also written for NaPoWriMo.

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Mental Health Monday – Depression

Photo by Kiran Foster via CC2.0

Photo by Kiran Foster via CC2.0

Depression can:

-Come on fast and hard.

-Make you feel utterly hopeless.

-Make you feel alone, even in a room full of people.

-Make you feel like a burden to you family and friends.

-Make you lose interest in doing the things you enjoy.

-Make you angry at nothing at all.

-Cause unprovoked hostility toward the people you love.

-Cause strain on your relationships.

-Leave you with no ambition.

-Make you feel unable to do everyday tasks like household chores, taking care of yourself and/or children, or going into work.

-Make you tired, so tired that getting out of bed is the hardest thing you’ll do all day, if you can manage to do it at all.

-Make you physically sick (e.g. body aches, unexplained pain, upset stomach, nausea, extreme fatigue).

-Make you question truths that you once held on to.

-Make you think that not being here would be best for everyone.

 

Depression is a very lonely condition. Even when you have people who care about you and people who would be willing to listen, you can still feel like they just wouldn’t understand. You feel judged. Sometimes you can recognize that there really is nothing wrong, that your life isn’t that bad, and yet you feel absolutely hopeless and awful and you now feel guilty and want to scream JUST GET OVER YOURSELF! but it doesn’t help and only makes you feel worse.

Depression is hard to understand if you’ve never had it. It can make you(the un-depressed) frustrated and angry at your loved one who, sometimes, seems like they’re just faking it. You might think they are being selfish.

You need to know that they are suffering. They don’t want to feel this way. No one wishes for depression. We know  your penitence and understanding is a lot to ask for sometimes. We know what our condition does to those we love and we hate it, just as much as you do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a Few Things

So as I mentioned in some of my previous posts, mainly my no yelling challenge posts, I have been struggling with a lot of things. The main thing being depression. Actually doing the challenge made me realize how much my depression was effecting my relationship with my kids.

I knew I was depressed but I didn’t realize until recently just how deep I had let it go.

I started going to therapy a few weeks ago. It is doing me some good. But over the next few weeks we are going to be delving into some very deep issues. These issues are so common place in my life that I didn’t really think “wow there is something wrong with me” until sometime last year. Now we are going to explore these issues.

I am a bit nervous. Nervous in the fact that I might actually have a label-able condition. Which may be a good thing in that I can actually give a title to my issue but scary in the fact that I actually have to admit that it’s a real issue and that there is something wrong with me.

I will be blogging here and there about my progress and what I learn about myself. Maybe it will help me in dealing with it.

A few things I do know so far:

1. I feel lonely even when surrounded with people.

2. I feel like a failure as a mother and as a wife daily.

3. My obsessive behavior is getting worse and I know it is not “normal”.

4. My anger gets the best of me and I need to get it taken care of before it becomes a major problem.

5. I feel trapped in my own home sometimes. Being a stay at home mom is getting to me. I am on the hunt for a part time job so as not to go crazy. (More crazy than I might already be.)

These are just a few things I am willing and able to share at the moment. I will be sharing more as I feel comfortable. Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.