Secret Room

Last night I had a dream.

I was cleaning my house, it wasn’t the house I have in real life, and I stumbled upon an office that we had somehow forgotten we had. It was almost like it had magically appeared.

It was a very nice sized room, large and fully furnished. The room was quiet and “off the beaten path” of the rest of the house. It had carpet, a couch, tv, computer, and desk. Upon entering the room I also saw that it had a bathroom. It was like my own little oasis. A perfect place to take a few “mommy moments”.

I closed the door to keep it hidden. Later when my husband was home I told him about it and he said “Oh yeah. I forgot about that room.” How did we forget about such a wonderful place in our own home? All those times I needed a break. A little escape. Some bathroom time with out an audience, and I had a secret place the whole time and never knew it.

But sadly, it was all a dream.

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Flamingos: Conversations with a 4 Year Old

Painting by Lisa Fittipaldi

Painting by Lisa Fittipaldi

Spunky Boy: I smell Flamingos.

Me: Flamingos? How do you know what a flamingo smells like?

Spunky Boy: I smell it. I smell the fruit flamingo.

Me: You mean mango?

Spunky Boy: Yeah mangoes!

I am Tired

Photo by littleseed.us (this is not me)

Photo by littleseed.us
(this is not me)

I am tired.

Not just physically tired, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. I read tons of blogs and hear tons of moms talk about how wonderful it is being a stay at home mom. That nothing could possibly make them happier and that they are satisfied beyond belief at the ‘blessing’ of being a stay at home mom. In the beginning I was right there with them. I loved not working and getting to stay at home with my baby. I loved having the freedom to go where ever we wanted and walk around town during the day and going to mommy and me play dates. It was great.

 

Now, four and a half years and another child later, I am over it. Not over being a mom but over that “new mom glow”. I do not go to bed feeling content with my life. I do not feel satisfied doing the constant mundane tasks everyday that are never completed.

 

I just don’t. I realize that I might get called a horrible mom by some for admitting this. But this is how I feel. I think that I am not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom. Society tells us that we, as women, should either have a full time career or be a stay at home mom with our entire world revolving around our family. Yes I am a wife. Yes I am a mom. But I am also something else. I am an individual with interests and needs too. Staying at home these past four plus years doing the same things everyday has me worn out. I feel suffocated. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel like all people see is the mom title when they look at me. None of the people I interact with on a regular basis have a clue that I like to write, or that I like to sing, or that I have any other interests other than the daily lives of my children.

 

Because of these feelings I have started taking out my frustrations on my kids. I Yell and explode with emotions at random times just because I am stressed and worn out. It’s not their fault. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I love them and I want to be the best mom I can be. I think that maybe it’s time I find something to do outside of the home. I think a part time job might do me some good. Give me something to split my energy on. That way when I am home with my kids I won’t have to resent the fact that all I ever do is stay home.

 

So does this make me a horrible person? The fact that my whole life doesn’t revolve around my kids? No. Does this mean that I think that stay at home moms have no personality and need to get a life? No. It simply means that I personally need to do what’s best for both my family and myself. I know I am not cut out for the full time stay at home mom job. I am not strong enough. I envy the women who love staying at home. Who get enjoyment out of cooking and who have the energy to clean their house. I have respect for the moms who don’t fall apart when they get interrupted for the twentieth time while doing dishes to break up a fight.

 

I am a good mom, even though sometimes I don’t feel that way. But I do know that if I want to continue to be a good mom I need to get out of this house and do something different for a change.