Sunday

Rest

that’s what they say

a day set aside

BAM. BAM. BAM.

If only the thoughts would stop their fire

I shift my weight

I smile

I look forward

BAM. BAM. BAM.

Eyes closed.

Breathe.

I stand

I sing

I sit

I listen

BAM. BAM. BAM.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

I…

BAM. BAM. BAM.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

Breathe.

I stand

I sing

I smile

I leave

 

 

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This is in response to the Tuesday prompt over at dVerse.

 

 

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This is another #OCDPoem, a glimpse inside my brain on a typical Sunday.

 

 

 

 

 

Day 27 : The Truth is…

 

 

 

 

 

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“The truth is” – A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 25 : The Truth is…

Sundays are always hard for me.

Sunday is the day I have to force myself to go to church, a place I used to feel so comfortable. Now my OCD has me so confused. It latches on to normal doubt and makes it feel so real. I have to fight the voices/thoughts and pretend everything is ok.

I am a fraud.

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“The truth is” – A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

The Space In Between

 

It’s hollow here

In the space between

Where I am and where I want to be

I can’t seem to shine enough

To keep the dark corners from creeping

Maybe I should just fade to nothing

Let the black envelope me

I’m so tired today

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This poem was written for MLMM’s Sunday prompt: Limbo

Day 20 : The Truth is… Once in a while – A #Poem

Once in a while

I feel the need to escape

I want crawl out of my skin

and become something else

roam the wild

see what there is to see

be something different

if only for a little while

a break from being me

 

© Caitlin Gramley

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This was written in response to two prompts: Quadrille #96: Wild Monday and Christine’s Daily Writing Prompt: Once

 

 

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“The truth is” –  A daily post where I share a truth. It could be something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

 

 

Day 14 : The Truth is…

Sometimes my brain fog is so bad that I forget what I’m talking about mid-sentence…

 

 

 

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“The truth is” is a daily post where I share a truth. It could be  something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

Day 11 : The Truth is…

Sometimes I get so caught up in the “what ifs” that it’s hard to be present in the here and now…

 

 

 

 

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“The truth is” is a new daily post where I share a truth. It could be  something personal, it could be something funny, or something totally random…you never know what you are going to get.

Sometimes I just feel like putting things out there…and here seemed like the best place to do it.

The Voice – a poem about #OCD before I knew it was #OCD

My OCD reared it’s ugly head when I was a teenager, but I never knew what it was until I was twenty-six. I stumbled upon this poem I wrote…I’m not sure how old I was, 16 or 17 maybe? It is a very poorly written poem with forced rhyming but it captured how tortured I was. Knowing what I know now and reading this it is so clear to me what was going on, that it was OCD. But back then all I knew of OCD was hand washing, cleanliness, and order. I had no idea that OCD could be thoughts of family dying because I did something wrong, or fear of touch, or repetitive routines that took hours, or horrible thoughts of violence.

I am sharing this poem not because I think it’s great, trust me I don’t. But because if I knew what OCD really was back then I could have gotten help earlier. I share about OCD and what it’s really like so I might reach someone who is suffering and help them see why. And by knowing why they can finally seek the proper help they need.

The voice

I am the voice inside your head.
Do this.
No. Do this,
or you might end up dead.

If you don’t do this,
your sister might die.
But if you do that,
someone might cry.

Make sure you check the stove,
before you leave the house
Because if gas leaks, it’s your fault
you stupid louse!

Don’t let people touch you.
Don’t let them get close.
Even though you want it,
you shall think it is gross.

You will never have peace
cuz I’ll always be there,
telling you to do things
cuz I really don’t care.

when you’re in a small room
and nothing is wrong
you will want to get out
you can’t be there too long.

To many people,
all in one place.
You start to breathe fast.
You become a nut case.

Maybe you’re crazy.
That’s what I think.
Now you think it too.
You are crazy and you stink.

I am the voice inside your head.
I will not rest until you are dead!

#OCDWeek #FaceYourFear Post Four

I have made a lot of progress in my OCD recovery journey, to the point where the decision making is no longer a problem.(And it was a HUGE part of my day!)  But that doesn’t mean my mind is totally silent on the matter.

From time to time my mind will still label my choices out of habit, but it no longer causes me anxiety. I just simply pick the “bad” choice because I have retrained my brain to know that nothing is going to happen. By continuing to choose the “bad” one I am just reinforcing that discipline so that it doesn’t get out of hand again.

Daily facing my “fears” is something I will mostly likely have to do for the rest of my life. The goal is that the things I’m facing no longer rule my life, I RULE THEM.

#OCEWeek #FaceYourFear Post Three

 

sweater

Sometimes we are unable to do an exposure when we know we need to.

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our mind that we don’t recognize that we are doing what OCD wants. Caught in a cycle.

This is where your family fits in. It’s important to involve your family in your therapy process. 1) So they can understand where your are coming from. 2) So they can recognize your triggers. and 3) So they can help you in your exposures.

One particular instance I can think of is when my husband was given a sweater from a really nice lady in our church. When I would receive clothes from people, or get clothes from thrift stores or yard sales (I don’t buy brand new clothes if I can help it!) I usually had to keep them in a plastic bag for at least two weeks and then wash them to make sure I didn’t get lice. I was getting better at it but for some reason my mind just wouldn’t let me put it in the wash. So I put it in a bag. My husband saw this, went over to the bag, took out the sweater, AND PUT IT ON!

No washing.

Just straight from the bag.

My anxiety was reeling. “How can you do that?! Get it OFF!!”

But he just grinned and danced and said “I’m gonna get lice, I’m gonna get lice.”

After a few minutes my anxiety was down a bit and I could move on, but it took me a few hours to stop thinking about it.

It helps to use humor….sometimes.

 

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