Secret Room

Last night I had a dream.

I was cleaning my house, it wasn’t the house I have in real life, and I stumbled upon an office that we had somehow forgotten we had. It was almost like it had magically appeared.

It was a very nice sized room, large and fully furnished. The room was quiet and “off the beaten path” of the rest of the house. It had carpet, a couch, tv, computer, and desk. Upon entering the room I also saw that it had a bathroom. It was like my own little oasis. A perfect place to take a few “mommy moments”.

I closed the door to keep it hidden. Later when my husband was home I told him about it and he said “Oh yeah. I forgot about that room.” How did we forget about such a wonderful place in our own home? All those times I needed a break. A little escape. Some bathroom time with out an audience, and I had a secret place the whole time and never knew it.

But sadly, it was all a dream.

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4 Secrets

One of the bloggers I follow, Jackie Lea Sommers, shared some secrets with her readers yesterday in her post 5 Secrets. At the end, she asked her readers to share their secrets. I decided to write a response post.

4 Secrets

1. I write this blog anonymously because I fear rejection. I feel like if everyone around me knew the things about me that I post on here they will treat me differently. I have only shared this blog openly with maybe less than 10 people. Even the knowledge that these people may read it sends me into little panic episodes.

2. I can not accept a compliment. This is not a secret to those who know me well, but my readers don’t know that…now you do. I think this started around the time my OCD started showing itself…when I was 13 or so. (Although I didn’t know, at the time, that the things I thought and felt were due to a mental illness. I discovered that only a year ago.)

3. I apologize for everything. I just learned, recently, that  constantly apologizing can be a symptom of OCD. Very interesting. I used to get yelled at all the time for apologizing for things that weren’t my fault or beyond my control when I was a teenager.

4. I think I may want another baby. This secret is something I am just coming to admit to myself. I was sure I was done. Having my own babies anyway. I still long to adopt one day but I know that process will take so long and it could be years before I would get to welcome a child into our home.  So a big part of me would be ok, I think, if I got pregnant. But I’m still not at that point where I am ready to say to my husband, “ok. Let’s try!” But the desire to have a little girl is growing every day.

Now it’s your turn.