Shaken Foundation

Over at Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie they challenged us to do a Loop Poem or a Shadorma.

Loop Poem Guidelines

1)  No restrictions on the number of stanzas or the syllable count for each line;

2)  For each stanza, the last word of the first line becomes the first word of line two,
the last word of line 2 becomes the first word of line 3,
and the last word of line 3 becomes the first word of line 4;

3)  The rhyme scheme is abcb.

 

Shadorma: a non-rhyming six-line poem with a syllable count of 3 / 5/ 3 / 3 / 7 / 5.

 

For this challenge I decide to do a combined poem. First and third standzas are Loop and second and fourth are Shadorama.

 

wojciech-siudmak-door-wikiart

 

Heaven seems unattainable

Unattainable to only me

Me who can’t seem to separate real from fake

Fake like the voices that won’t let me be

 

I can’t seem

To hold on to You

I have lost

My will to

Fight against these pressing doubts

So where do I stand?

 

Where do I place my feet?

Feet that can no longer hold me up

Up, where I should be facing

Facing You, holding my empty cup

 

I’m tired

I have lost my strength

Who am I?

Who are you?

What do I have left with out

The faith I once had?

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Truth Silences Lies – Flash Fiction (WIN!)

I entered a 110 word story in Micro Bookends 1.31 last Thursday and, to my surprise, I won first place! This is my first win in a flash fiction contest! There were a lot of great stories and I feel blessed and honored that my story spoke to him. Click here to see the other amazing stories and click here to see the stories that placed. I want to give special thanks to Dave for hosting the Micro Bookends and for judging this round. I have enjoyed entering stories over the past few months. His contest, among a few others, helps me keep up a writing habit as I try hard to improve my craft.

The prompt this week was to write a 100 word story (+/- 10) that starts with the word face and ends with book and incorporates the photo. Here is my winning story! (Sorry for the gloat, I’m just so excited!)

Photo Credit: Maurizio Costanzo via CC.

Photo Credit: Maurizio Costanzo via CC.

 Truth Silences Lies

“Face yourself,” The voice said. Cynthia looked in the mirror, “You’re hideous.”

She believed it. Her swollen eyes glared back at her, puffy from sobbing. Her hair, frayed yarn, looked as though it had been dragged through wet sand.

“No one could love you,” the loud voice hissed.

“I love you.” A still small voice whispered in the distance. Cynthia didn’t hear it.

“What did you eat today?” The loud voice filled her mind, gaining volume to attack the truth.

“You are beautiful,” the small voice sang.

Cynthia shook her head.

“COW!”

“Beauty. Precious. DAUGHTER.”

Cynthia wept.

“Fear not my child, for I have written your name in my book.”

___________________________________________________________________________

Here is what Dave had to say about my story.

“A figurative sword fight between the voice that tells you you are worthless and the voice that tells you you are everything. So often the former is dominant and we hear about too many young people who have ended up in trouble, or worse, after failing to live up to what is perceived as an acceptable body-type. The conflict between the voices is maintained throughout the story and I found myself willing Cynthia to hear the little voice. I love the description early in the piece: “her hair, frayed yarn, looked as though it had been dragged through wet sand.” On first reading I assumed that the quiet voice had won and Cynthia had been rescued with her name in the book. On subsequent readings I began to wonder. What is the truth and what is the lie? To us the truth is that Cynthia is beautiful, but to her it is that she is hideous. The final line says to me that body image issues are difficult to beat, and once your name is in the book, you have a long battle ahead of you.”

Dreams

I had one of my dreams last night. I haven’t had one of these in a long time, maybe six months or more. I had almost forgotten about them.

For years I’ve been plagued with these awful dreams. What makes them truly awful is that, most of the time, in my dream it’s not awful. In my dream I am enjoying what I am doing even though in real life I would never do such things. I would never have those feelings. I would never act in that way. When I wake, one of two things happens.

1. I wake up feeling absolutely disgusted at what I just did. Even though it was “just a dream” I still feel dirty, like it was still something that I chose to do. I have feelings of guilt and shame and I dwell on them. Constantly repenting.

or

2. I wake up as if nothing bad had happened. As if the dream was real and ok. I still have lingering “good” feelings. Then, after a few minutes in reality, I realize what I’m thinking and feeling and remember my dream in vivid color and am sick to my stomach. Then, I not only feel dirty for having the dream, I feel shame for still feeling “good” after waking. Even though those are still not my real feelings. Again, the guilt and shame consume me and I repent over and over.

Today I woke up disgusted. This time, in my dream, I knew what I was doing was wrong but I was enticed…and I wanted to continue.

I hate these dreams. I hate having to focus so hard on forgetting them. I hate that they keep coming. They may not be frequent, but they don’t have to be. They continue to haunt me. They make me wonder why I dream these things. I know why, deep down. It is evil. The devil uses my slumber as a doorway in. I am constantly pushing him out during the day. Constantly fighting the things he tries to fill me head with…all lies. But when I’m sleeping, my defenses are down. I forget to pray over my sleep sometimes and when I do, he attacks.

I feel defeated.

But I am not. I know God is there.

I know the truth.

I cling to His truth for dear life.

Tuesday Ramblings: Reconnecting

I gave up Facebook for a week.

In my post Disconnect to Reconnect, I explained that I was giving up Facebook for one week as a way to disconnect from what was becoming had become an obsession in my life.

Facebook had become a part of my identity and that was not ok. It was taking me away from God and I was counting other’s opinions greater than His. I felt like he wanted me to take a break. I needed a real connection with people. I needed a better connection with God.

So how did my week go?

I  am glad you asked…oh, you didn’t? Well, let me tell you anyway.

I am going to be honest here and say that it was not easy for me. I was so used to sharing everything with everyone, so to suddenly have to stop doing that I had to catch myself before reaching for my phone to post anything.  It took about three days before I no longer pulled my phone out to check Facebook. I even once accidentally opened Facebook up.  The sad thing is that I was going on my phone to search something on google but my “muscle memory”, if you will, automatically went to the bookmark on my browser and BAM there it was starting at me with the hypnotic red notification symbol begging me to click on it and see what was going on in the “world“. I got out immediately and deleted the bookmark so it wouldn’t happen again.

I struggled a bit with the feeling of loneliness. I liked sharing about my day or my random thoughts and knowing that others were reading it and being a part of my life. So when I had a cool thought or witty comment or even an accomplishment, it was almost heartbreaking that I had to keep it to myself. No one could share it with me. And when you spend most of your day at home with a 2-year-old it get’s lonely often.

My main goal was to give up this thing that was taking up my time and devote some of that time to God.

That did not happen. Truthfully, I busied myself with other things. Satin took advantage of that. Last week was full of spiritual attacks. From thoughts of doubt, to self-hatred. Even temptation, putting things in my mind that shouldn’t be there. He has been pushing against me a lot these past few months especially since I have been taking steps in the direction I know God wants me to go. This week, he worked overtime it seems. I got so tired of walking against this strong current that I just let it take me for a bit. I am angry at myself for not pushing forward. But what’s done is done. I need to pick up and keep going. God gave me certain talents and dreams and I intend to follow through.

God still used this week for good though. By disconnecting I was able to reconnect with a friend. She lives literally two blocks from me. We go to the same church and see each other most Sundays. But we hardly ever talk. Between her schedule (she travels a lot for her job) and mine we never saw each other  except on the Sunday mornings she could make it to church. We did how ever “connect” through Facebook. She posted all the time and I would like and comment as would she on my statuses. But that was the extent of our friendship.

When I posted my last status letting everyone know that I was giving up Facebook for a while, she texted me and asked to meet up for coffee. So we got together and talked for about 2 hours (with many interruptions from my 2-year-old). There was so much we were missing in each other’s lives by just seeing the highlights on Facebook. I had no idea how much she had been struggling in her marriage and in her relationship with God. I was heart broken that I let that slip past me. She also had no idea of the things I had been going through and how much I was struggling spiritually as well. It was a very good talk. We were able to get everything out. (I even cried a little.)

After that day we have continued to text and pray for each other. When she hears a song that makes her think of what we are going through she sends it to me. [It truly amazes me how much God is using music in my life, even in my relationships. It is such a great way to communicate!] We have also taken steps to start some new small group studies in church dealing with some issues that have been troubling not just us, but many others in our congregation. Things like spiritual warfare.

I didn’t think that this challenge was going to be easy, and it hasn’t been. But I made it one week with out Facebook. Bad things did happen but God is a Gracious God and good is coming out of that week.

What are my goals now?

I am back on Facebook but I am trying not to check it as often. I am also not posting everything that pops into my head. I stop and think about what I want to post. Also, the desire to post everything has left. I will continue to seek God’s help as to not let it rule my life again.

 

 

Tired

I am tired.

I am tired of fighting against the current.

I am tired of trying.

It seems like I get on the right path and everything around me is against me.

Things go wrong.

Things get canceled.

I get sick.

Stupid, pointless arguments happen.

I feel this heavy darkness creeping around me.

I am so sick of it.

It has gotten to the point that I just don’t have the strength to move forward anymore.

Thoughts of just giving in dance in my head.

But If I do, if I give satin the satisfaction, I feel awful.

And if I don’t give in…if I keep going, I get nothing but resistance.

Nothing seems to give.

It’s one blatant attack after another.

I can’t keep on going like this.

I just can’t.