So I have had a rough couple weeks.

I feel the need to write about it but I can’t seem to gather my thoughts to resemble anything coherent. So this may just be a jumble so bear with me folks.

As I’ve mentioned before I started counseling about a month and half ago. I have been struggling with depression and extreme anxiety for quite a while, among other things that I have been dealing with silently for years. I didn’t really feel like they were out of hand until about last May when the anxiety attacks started. I had so many thoughts crowding my head that I was convinced I was going crazy. In fact, I thought that I had probably been crazy for a while I just never noticed…if that makes sense. (Although it probably doesn’t to you.)

You see, I have been plagued with obsessive and horrible thoughts since I was a teen but I’ve kind of developed a system to bury them and move on. Except I haven’t really moved on. I created routines to help me. Then about the time I got married I started needing to do certain things or avoid certain things to ensure the safety of others. I became so obsessed with my family’s safety that my mind created completely irrational things that would ensure my family’s safety. Ridiculous things that to a normal person would seem silly or crazy.

This became  a part of my daily routine and for me it was normal. Until I got stuck. Until there were times when there was no safe option and I started having to pick between who  gets hurt. (Keep in mind that no one actually got hurt. This was just my mind creating scenarios. Convincing me that if I didn’t make the right choice these things might happen, though they never did.)

The pivotal incident happened some time last year. I was doing a normal chore, laundry, and I had to make a decision again but there was no “safe” choice and no choice that sacrificed myself. I had to choose between the “deaths” of one of my kids or my husband. I was petrified. I couldn’t possibly do that. I was standing there frozen and breathing heavily and started to sob. My husband noticed and literally had to pry the clothes from my hands and pull me away. I fell into his arms and couldn’t control the sobs and I couldn’t breath. We stood there with him holding me tightly to “keep me together”. Then when I calmed down he finished the laundry while I sat on my bed disgusted at  myself, thinking, ” I am truly crazy”.

So finally this year, after a few more incidents, I made the decision to get help. About three weeks ago I came out in tears and told my counselor all these things. I was embarrassed. It was so hard because she was the first person I’ve ever told these thoughts to. My husband knew a little but he did not know details of what went on inside my head. ( This post also lacks specific details as well because they are just too personal to share with the world.)

So for the past three weeks we have been exploring these thoughts and when they started. Let me tell you that this has been so hard for me. Some of these thoughts I have buried deep inside as to forget them and pulling them back up has caused me to slip a little further into depression. I know it’s doing good though, you have to dig deep to really understand things. So now I am being treated for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Last week she came right out and finally said that’s what I have. So the past few days it’s all I can think about.

I have OCD.

I have a mental disorder.

I am having trouble coming to terms with this.

I mean, I knew  something was wrong. That something wasn’t right with my thought process. But hearing it out loud, being labeled and being put on medication just makes it so real. So final. I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel…hopeless. I know that it’s treatable. That it can be managed, but from everything I am reading, it is a forever condition. Something I will always have, will always struggle with. I may have “seasons” where it isn’t a problem but it will always be there.

I am having a hard time accepting this.

I can’t seem to believe that I have it even though everything I’m reading clearly proves I do. It’s just hard to accept that there is something wrong. I’m so angry that I have to live like this. That my mind can’t just accept things. That I have to over analyze and worry and pick things apart. It kills me that I have been living with this for so long and I never realized it until now. I keep thinking about what it would have been like if I would have spoken out when I was a teenager.

Uhg. This is just so much to process, so much to think about. My head is already so full. I am just so tired.



12 thoughts on “Diagnosis

  1. You are not alone. Chronic depression with OCD tendencies. Uncontrolled thoughts, horrible scenarios. You are not alone, because since I was a teen, I have struggled through seasons of this, I’ve been off and on medications, therapies. You can do this and the meds will help and you can escape these feelings. I will be praying for you as you walk out the new steps. ❤

  2. OCD is the WORST! But ERP therapy WORKS. On my blog, I talk all the time about the exposure and response prevention therapy that BROKE MY CHAINS five years ago (after 20 years of battling OCD). If your therapy doesn’t involve exposures, then you’re not in the right therapy. Happy to answer any questions you might have about it!

      • ERP is a therapy specifically used for OCD; in ERP, you are exposed to your obsessions/fears (sometimes just through your imagination), which ramps up your anxiety, and then you’re not allowed to perform compulsions to alleviate the anxiety. It’s hard– but NOT harder than living with OCD.

        In just 12 weeks of ERP, my 20 year bondage to OCD was broken. I’m a huge “evangelist” for it. It’s the CORRECT treatment for OCD– most other types of therapy are just band-aids, but this actually goes after the OCD itself. It’s absolutely the tool that Jesus used to give me back my life and freedom.

        I have a TON of resources about ERP at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD! Please do check them out. If you’re only doing “talk therapy” (discussing your week, issues, etc.), it’s NOT effective for treating OCD. At its worst, talk therapy enables OCD. ERP combats the OCD head on.

        (Can you tell I’m passionate about this? It’s just that so few people with OCD– or even people who supposedly know about mental illness– don’t know about ERP, which is recognized as the #1 treatment for OCD in existence. I spun my wheels for far too many years, and I don’t want others to do the same.)

          • I felt the same way. But it’s basically the only treatment that works. Sometimes meds help, but not like ERP. 12 weeks of ERP was hell … but it helped me escape the hell of DAILY life with OCD. You might not be ready for it yet, but don’t rule it out for the future.

            It’s hard, but it’s the best treatment.

  3. Stay strong, positive and focused. Your on the right track. You researching methods and have opened up about it. I have faith you will get through this 🙂 x

Leave your thoughts here...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s